I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Dog Gone It, People Like Me

I was thinking this morning that I'd love to not have to count calories.  That's my goal after getting to a healthy weight- to know the right amount of fuel for my body, without having to write down every bite that I take.  It's a nice dream, but I know from past experience that once I stop journaling, I almost immediately gain back whatever I've lost.  I'm not trying to turn this into some sort of Debbie Downer post today- I just think sometimes we have to acknowledge that our natural state of willpower or appetite isn't what anyone elses is.  Are there tons of people out there happy with their bodies (no matter what weight/state they're in)- yes.  Do all of them religiously write down everything they eat?  Probably not.  I mean- when I workout- I use not one, but two devices to keep track of the calories I burn.  A FitBit, a glorified pedometer, and a Polar Heart Rate Monitor, to more accurately keep track of the calories I burn during non-cardio exercises like weight lifting, that a FitBit can't really track.  It's a little ridiculous.  But I do it, because it works for me.  I don't think anyone would say I have a problem or a disorder, but that's probably because I'm an overweight woman actively trying to lose weight.  To get healthy.  On the other hand, if I were 50 pounds thinner and using the same amount of devices and constantly talking and thinking about the amount of calories I took in and expended during the day, I'd probably get labeled as someone who has an eating disorder.  It's a very fine line to walk, and I'm not really sure how to walk it sometimes.

I wish I wasn't constantly thinking about food in an unhealthy way- I'm writing this blog and working out for the single purpose of being 'healthy.'  But when does it cross the line from trying to get in shape to an all consuming thought of not being good/healthy/skinny/fit enough?

I am aware that not everyone is born with the same body shape.  It's not like women are born as leggy, thin, toned beings and then choose to morph into whatever shape we become- we all KNOW that we're different shapes.  So why aren't different shapes generally accepted as being good?  I have friends who are in amazing shape- they are mindful about what they eat, they exercise, they're GOOD to themselves- and YET- they don't feel like they're beautiful or meet the norms of what they "should" look like.  Why can't we just be happy by knowing we're doing right by ourselves and this is how we're SUPPOSED to look?  It's extremely frustrating to both know that this is my body shape, it will be for life- I'm not going to shape my muscles and bones into a completely different structure no matter how hard I try.  So why isn't just eating healthy and working out good enough for me?  I feel great when I'm workout out regularly and eating healthy.  But when I'm not at my 'goal weight' it starts to creep in that I'm not doing enough and maybe I'll never be able to do enough to reach my goal, so fuck it.  What a terrible attitude to have.  But that's probably why I keep gaining the weight back.  Because I can't be happy with a small victory- I feel the need to attain impossible goals.  I might as well be mad at myself for not having grown an additional two inches during the process as well.

So, after this long, weird, rant- this is my goal for the week: Don't get mad at yourself for achieving small victories.  They're victories, after all, and they should be celebrated.  I'm down a little at the scale this week, but even better than that, I dug down and found the will power to exercise more than usual this past week.  I'm getting stronger, and that's awesome.  I was disappointed this morning that I *only* lost .4 lbs from last week- but it's the right direction.  Don't beat yourself up.

This week: -.4 lbs
Total 2013: -9.2 lbs